Gunaholiks and th Chek Republik

As regards th laetest mas shooting in th Uenieted Staets of Amerrica, thoes of U hoo noe me ar fuuly awaer that I scroopulusly avoid taeking “sieds” on politkaly controvurshal ishoos such as “gun controel” [Noet, a loeded turm in its oen riet; when we tauk of liesensing veeikls, reqiering drieving tests, mandatory inshuuranss, stop siens, trafik liets, or staet laws stipuelaeting “no riet on red”, do we refur to this as “car controel”?], priemaerily becauz it woen’t do eny guud enywae, it moest definitly wil not prevent th next mas shooting in th US, nor th next wun, nor th next wun after that, and about th oenly thing it cuud acomplish wuud be for haf of mi Facebook frends to unfrend me if thaer opinyons hapend to lie on th uther sied of th fenss-poest.

(OK, for thoes of U hoo ar nue to Robert McGehee’s poests, thees ar riten in Literaery SoundSpel, a moderniezd orthografy that foloes a fue baesik rools: consonants ar not dubld to indicaet short vowels, so U hav ‘former and later, an ichy triger fingger, a gansta raper, and a fienanshal baker.’ Inturnal majik ee’s mark moest long vowels, so it’s ‘Jony cum laetly, tieger tieger burning briet, straenjers in th niet, and th Raep of Nanking.’

Elswhaer, U hav th uezhual Dr. Zhivaago and Laeoneen Brezhnef brand of ‘zh’, and doen’t forget to uez th litl fuutstool so U can reech th contaener of instant puuding on th top shelf of th cubord. Last but not leest, as th twin sister of mi ex-gurlfrend from Flagstaf wuud tel me, “caam doun, caam doun, caam doun”, and I am now cool as a cuek when I recaul th imejes of th paam trees in th Comoeroes Ielands, festoond with sleeping froot bats…OK, now bak to todae’s feecherd esae aulredy in progres.)

So, OK, all that I am going to do at this point is to simply provied an oevervue of th gun laws in th Chek Republik, so U can compaer and contrast them with gun laws in th Uenieted Staets, in Canada, Ingland, Austraelia, Nue Zeeland, or eny cuntry with which U ar familyar.

Akchualy, compaerd to uther cuntrys in th Ueropeean Uenyon, th Chek Republik is praktikaly a gun oener’s parradiess. If U Google “Gun Law in the Czech Republic” th Wikipeedia artikl on th subjekt wil  cum up imeediatly, and U wil see that th Chek Republik is a shal carry staet, meening that just about enywun hoo reealy wonts a gun can hav wun, and, yes, U can eeven hav a conseeld wepon for self defenss, sumthing which moest U. U. cuntrys and Ingland wil not alow U to do.

Nacheraly, befor U can purchas eny fierarms in th Chek Republik U must furst obtaen a Fierarm Liesenss (Zbrojní průkaz), but thees ar faerly eezy to get [I am not shuur about mieself, however, sinss I am stil an Amerrican sitizen with an Amerrican pasport, and am thaerfor an “expat”, but I hav no need of nor eny interest in obtaening a fierarm for mieself at th present tiem, so that ishoo is moot as far as I am consurnd]. Nacheraly, U do need a cleen criminal record, a thuro medikal exam (which shuud inclood a siekiatrik exam as wel), and U wil need to pas a gun profishensy test. Th later consists of a riten test on gun laws and gun saefty, and U need to sho that U can taek yuur gun apart, cleen it, and puut it bak together, and then U hav to go to a standard authoriezd shooting raenj, and U meerly need to hit a riefl target 25 meeters awae 4 out of 5 tiems, which eeven a chield cuud do.

Aplicants hoo suksesfuly pas all reqierd tests wil then need to pae an aplicaeshon fee of 700 CZK (about $30.00 US), and th liesenss wil be ishood in thurty daes. Thaer ar in fakt 5 diferent categorys of fierarm liesenses, A - Fierarm colekshon, B - Sport shooting, C - Hunting, D - Exsersiez of a profeshon, and E - Self defenss, and nacheraly, thaer ar diferent respektiv limits as to th number and tiep of wepons that wun mae oen acording to th clas of fierarms liesenss wun has. Needles to sae, th Chek Republik is wel noen for being th manuefakchering senter for countles justly faemus historrikal and present dae wepons. Amung curently avaevabl handguns U hav th CZ 75 pistol, espeshaly th standard ishoo CZ 75 SP-01 Phantom, th CZ 82, and, last but not leest, th Glok pistol, which is manuefakcherd in Austria, but which is th standard wepon uezd bi th Chek 601^st Speshal Forses Groop and bi parratroopers.

Amung asault riefls U hav th CZ 805 Bren, th CZ Bren 2, and th Vz. 58. I am tempted at this point to cuver uther historikal wepons, such as th snieper riefls, th sub-masheen guns and masheen guns, and eeven th maen batl tanks manuefakcherd in Checo-Sloevaakia, but I wuud be drifting awae from th proper foecus of this esae. Wun qik point, however. When it cums to th deturenss value of gun oenership, I think th Chek Republik is on a par with th Uenieted Staets, eeven tho th later has a much hieer per-capita level of gun oenership or gun oenership per houshoeld. Th reezon is simpl enuf. In th US U hav yuur tipikal (or sterriotipikal) “cat burglar” hoo steels objekts from hoems bi stelth, but hoo mae carry a gun for “just in caess”. Now, meny hoem oeners aulso hav a wepon at th far end of th linen drawer, or elss on a bedsied stand, depending on how vulnerabl thae feel thae ar. Sinss th Uenieted Staets plaeses no limits on gun oenership whot-so-ever, however, regardles of th helth or caepability of a given gun oener, it is not uncomon, for exampl, to hav an indivijual hoo in th priem of lief mae hav bin an exselent sports shooter, sumwun hoo is a card-carrying member of th NRA and proud of it, and hoo eeven has nuemerus troefys from long-past shooting contests adorning th wauls of her dweling plaess, which mae be in an apartment complex or in a suburban housing uenit. But, as in th titl of that wel-noen buuk for yung peepl, “that wuz then, this is now!”. And whot is now? Now shoes us a wunss atraktiv wuuman, a wun-tiem stachu’esk blond now cripld with arthrietis and with traeling sno-whiet haer going wae doun beloe her shoelders, but whaer glaucoema has deprived her of th siet of wun ie, a sliet stroek now cauzes her body to list to port, and a tuch of Alzhiemers is starting to naw at her memory.

Nacheraly, in steps a kid from th geto hoo desperatly needs a litl cash to pae a det on a smaul amount of crak coecaen aqierd th dae befor, or maebe th tranzakshon has not taeken plaess…but hoo noes?

Wel, th upshot of this encounter is not hard to predikt: Th oeld wuuman tries to shaekingly aem th pistol in th direkshon of th yung hoodlum (or maebe we cuud just caul him a “man” and dispenss with th vulgar sterriotiep), but he deftly swurvs to wun sied and…in th next moement he is hoelding th gun in his hands, and he maeks th oeld wuuman oepen up th saef with all th family aerloom jooelry, and then it’s…likity split off to a fenss (th criminal, not th material varieety).

Such mienor trajedys ar plaeing out all th tiem in divurss aerias of Amerrica’s hartland, whether in distant ruural onclaevs or riet in vue of a bizy sity intersekshon. But in th Chek Republik, if U ar a bad gie, if U ar a burglar, a muger, or a raepist, doen’t eeven think of thinking about th posbility of “outwiting” or “oeverpowering” sumwun hoo has a gun, whether in a houshoeld envieronment or with a conseeld wepon! Not oenly do law-abieding gun oeners in th Chek Republik hav a demonstraeted ability to shoot with a reezonabl degree of acurasy soelly on th baesis of thaer fierarm liesenss, but it shuud aulso be pointed out that up until reesently all maels of militaery aej in th Chek Republik wer reqierd bi law to surv in th armd forses of thaer cuntry for at leest a yeer. Whiel this reqierment is now being roeld bak, this stil meens that all oelder maels in th Chek Republik aulredy hav at leest wun yeer of militaery survis behiend them, which shuud automatikaly inclood baesik wepons traening!

Thaerfor, eeven if th number of houshoelds with a gun or a leegaly entietld gun uezer is les in th Chek Republik than wuud be th caess in th Uenieted Staets, th meer fakt that enywun with a leegaly aqierd gun in th former cuntry wil noe how to shoot reezonably wel and wil probably not hezitaet to puut that nolej into praktis when th need ariezes… that fakt aloen wil cauz a graet meny wuud-be robers or burglars to luuk elswhaer when it cums to fiending thaer next viktim, or maebe to simply giv up on a lief of criem aultogether…we can oenly hoep! Criem raets in th Chek Republik, bi th wae, ar relativly loe, and mas shooting ar compaeritivly raer, tho not nonexistant. In Februaery of 2015 we had a gun masaker in th toun of Uherskẏ Brod, whaer an indivijual caem into a restoraant and kild 8 peepl befor kiling himself, and then, mor reesently, in Desember of 2019 a gunman caem into a hospital in th sity of Ostrava and kild 7 paeshents with an ileegal CZ-75 handgun.

That’s just about all. Sooisieds with guns, on th uther hand, and soosieds of all kiends, ar a bit hie in th Chek Republik. We’v had qiet a number of selebrity sooisieds laetly. Now, th aktor Brodsky wuz aulredy oeld and sik, but we lost a beluved song-rieter to sooisied, and he wuz stil faerly yung. Anuther popuelar feemael singger had herself biesekted bi a traen in Anna Karenina fashon, and in th verry flat whaer I liv we had a similar caess. Thaer wuz an oelder wuuman heer with a stachuesk poiz and a huej lok of brilyant whiet haer, and sumhow she got so tierd of living that she tried turning on th gas so as to puul off a “Silvia Plath” job on herself. Wel, she caem darn neer cloess to bloeing up th entier apartment complex whaer I liv! Acording to fier ofishals, when th persentej of nacheral gas in th aer reeches 14% all it taeks to igniet th gas is a singl spark, liek th tieny spark that wun can eezily produess bi swiching a liet on or off!

Forchunatly, th fierfieters got to her flat in th nik of tiem befor enything cuud exploed, and then laeter on in th dae she troted off to th neerest raelroed trak to get herself biesekted bi a traen as wel. Sad!

OK, Robert, U ar geting off on a tanjent heer, so it’s tiem to rap things up! So, thaer is an interesting secuerity ishoo in conekshon with our living araenjments heer in th Chek Repblik. If U wil recaul th story of th wuuman in th Uenieted Staets hoo wuz no longger aebl to uez a gun to defend herself…wel, in th Chek Republik she wuud hav lost her fierarms liesenss on helth grounds a decaed befor such a trajik event cuud taek plaess, at th verry leest, and then moest liekly a sun or a dauter, or perhaps an inlaw, wuud hav inherrited her fierarms colekshon. At th saem tiem, this indivijual wuud hav moest liekly moovd into a retierment hoem or asisted living senter, as thees ar extremely comon in th Chek Republik and verry fue seenyor sitizens liv aloen, sumthing that duz not seem to be th caess in th Uenieted Staets.

Now, all apartment complexes or bloks of flats in th Chek Republik hav a “dubl deker” secuerity sistem which wuz furmly establisht wae bak duuring th comuenist eera. If U wish to vizit a frend hoo livs on a surten flor in a surten apartment bilding, U furst pres a buton on th outsied of th bilding next to a laebel shoeing that purson’s naem. Now, when U pres that buton it aktivaets a buzer that tels th coresponding indivijual insied th bilding that sumwun wuud like to hav permishon to enter th dor to th maen aetrium or sentral haul on th “zeeroeth” flor. Th indivijual living in a flat upstaers, which wuud be me, has a foen next to th dor with 2 butons, wun buton for comuenicaeting with th purson outsied of th maen dor, and with th uther buton, paented in briet red, for unloking th outer dor to th blok of flats. Wunss that buton is prest and th outer dor oepens yuur prospektiv vizitor wil now be insied th bilding but wil stil not hav akses to th indivijual flats of thoes peepl hoo liv thaer, sinss eech flat has an indivijual dor with its oen ueneek loks and kees as wel.

Now, U, as th vizitor, wil eether hav to taek th lift (elevaetor) up to th flor whaer yuur frend livs, or U mae hav to cliem a fliet of staers in th event that that particuelar apartment complex duz not hav an elevaetor. Wunss U get to th flor oposit th dor of th purson U wish to visit, th purson behiend that dor, hoo wuud be me, stil has th opshon to entertaen second thauts and not alow U insied. That wuud not normally be th caess, however. This tiem U pres a larjer swich plaet that trigers a meloedius dorbel, and yuur frend oepens th dor for U.

Needles to sae, this dubl secuerity sistem tends to significantly detur roberys and burglarys, and it helps eeven beter if won gets to noe all of wun’s naebors hoo shaer th saem staerwel or elevaetor shaft, becauz then it wil be redily apaerent if sumwun hoo duz not liv thaer hapens to slip into th blok of flats (which mae hapen from tiem to tiem if sumwun cloesly foloes anuther indivijual hoo has a kee to th outsied dor and then slips in behiend her). All in all, however, U can entertaen a mental imej of sumwun cuming hoem in th wee ours of th morning after geting off of a niet shift. In th Chek Republik U miet hav 2 sets of kees, a set in yuur left poket for th maen dor, and a set in yuur riet poket for yuur particuelar dor. In th Uenieted Staets, on th uther hand, U miet hav a set of kees in yuur left-hand poket, but in yuur riet poket U wil be carrying a gun for “self protekshon”! OK, I do not wont to sound sarcastik heer, and in reality I hav all of mi kees on th saem kee chaen, so I oenly need to puut them in wun poket 😉!

This last sekshon on secuerity ishoos deels with th prezenss of foerleged burglar alarms noen as K-9’s. A Marshan hoo obzurvd th Chek Repblik wuud promptly conclood that its cheef inhabitants all hav six legs: Thaer is aulwaes a maen biepedal uenit with too larj legs, and then thaer is an auxiliaery sub-uenit atacht to th maen uenit bi a strong length of lether or metal (refurd to in wun particuelar Urthling langgwej as a “leesh”). This smauler sub-uenit has foer legs, and can be rather independent of th maen uenit at tiems, visiting wauls and fenss poests to deposit an oelfaktory mesej which wil in turn be pikt up and red bi uther foer-leged entitys in th naeborhuud. At eny raet, this six-leged sooper-uenit tends to be relativly secuer, espeshaly if th six-leged entity is a rotwieler or pit buul, but eeven if it is of much smauler siez and laks th impresiv dentaeshon of th former, th maen too-leged uenit wil raerly need a conseeld fierarm for protekshon!

This concloods mi descripshon of gun laws in th Chek Republik and th oever-all secuerity sichuaeshon thaer. I onestly doen’t see whi at leest sum aspekts of th gun laws and uther atendant customs and pratises that wurk so wel heer in th Chek Republik cuud not aulso wurk in th Uenited Staets. Granted, thaer wuud need to be sum aulteraeshons and modificaeshons of th baesik feechers of such laws to taek into acount loekal continjensys, but in th end it shuud stil wurk out wel. We cuud hav boeth reezonabl gun laws, hie levels of personal secuerity, and yet lejitimat gun oeners wuud not hav to feer that th guvernment miet taek awae thaer guns, henss a win, win, win sichuaeshon all around 😊!